Generation gap with adoptive parents?

[Erimentha]

Wow, I thought my aparents were old when I was growing up - they were pushing 40 when they adopted me and were never particularly engaged with me - but you are being raised by grandparents!!! That just sucks. I'm afraid I don't have any real advice but just want to sympathise and send you    

Reading red -Jeez, a B gets you grounded!!??     That is ridiculous! 

[Beth]

My aparents are in their 60's and I am er... 21, not for long.

Growing up with old aparents was HARD. I always heard when I was your age, I owned two houses and was graduated from college with no loans. That was also the 60's mom...way different now! 

I've always heard "I've been trying to make a better life for you, give you what I never had"  (in an awful accent... English second language)

And then "You were blessed with intelligence, a gift from GOD!" 

"You have a B!"  --- "Yes, mom, but did you see the other 6 A's and did you notice that the B was in a college course?" --- "You can do better, I EXPECT straight A's.  You are grounded until you fix your B!!!"  --- "Whatever..."

*sheesh* I would have danced in the streets if my kids came home with all A's and only one B.

You are doing GREAT, dear. Be proud of yourself.

[TheTeenager]

My aparents are in their 60's and I am er... 21, not for long.

Growing up with old aparents was HARD. I always heard when I was your age, I owned two houses and was graduated from college with no loans. That was also the 60's mom...way different now! 

I've always heard "I've been trying to make a better life for you, give you what I never had"  (in an awful accent... English second language)

And then "You were blessed with intelligence, a gift from GOD!" 

"You have a B!"  --- "Yes, mom, but did you see the other 6 A's and did you notice that the B was in a college course?" --- "You can do better, I EXPECT straight A's.  You are grounded until you fix your B!!!"  --- "Whatever..."

*sheesh* I would have danced in the streets if my kids came home with all A's and only one B.

You are doing GREAT, dear. Be proud of yourself.

Oh, did I mention that wearing a T-shirt calls for dressing like a "slut"  And I am proud of myself... sometimes.   GAHHH so much pressure!!!

I LOVE THIS GENERATION GAP!!! 

[irisheyes]

My aparents are 33 years older than me (I'm 40 and they're 73).  That's not a huge age gap compared to many of you, but lemme tell ya...They always seemed 20 years older to me than they actually are, even now.  It probably didn't help that I popped out of the womb a screaming liberal (which if you look at my bio family makes a lot of sense) and they are both quiet little Iowans.  

My amom used to say things to me at 16 like, "You can go to the movies, but not to the movies and the mall the same day.  You might get tired."    I was not allowed to attend a rock concert until I was 21 (I finally got her to cave).  There were all kinds of strange, overprotective rules that made no sense whatsoever.  

Well, as the Borg would say on Star Trek, "Resistance is futile."  I learned to suck it up somehow and got the heck out as soon as I could.  Maybe there's a better idea, but hell, I'm a people-pleasing adoptee...what do I know?

Reading red...OMG, the grades thing.  Yeah, I got really annoying lectures for getting anything less than an "A" on anything.  My aparents blamed my intelligence on my natural parents!! I had to fit my natural parents' intellectual profiles but I was not allowed to meet these super intelligent people to whom I had to live up to?  WTF ever!

[TheTeenager]

Reading red...OMG, the grades thing.  Yeah, I got really annoying lectures for getting anything less than an "A" on anything.  My aparents blamed my intelligence on my natural parents!! I had to fit my natural parents' intellectual profiles but I was not allowed to meet these super intelligent people to whom I had to live up to?  WTF ever!

*sighs*  I guess lectures are in biofamilies, too, but they seem worse in adoptive families.  My AP's expect WAY too much out of me.  I'm not their puppet.  They can get a dog for that.

[MorningCoffee]

TT - I'm 21 my parents are 56 and 58.  However, for my adoptive siblings their age is perfectly normal for having parents that age (they're ages 31 to 35).  

Do you have any a-sibs? If so, are they closer to your age?

It is horribly hard sometimes isn't it? (having a-parents with such a big age gap) I'm actually happy right now to find another adoptee with this problem, I need tips too!

But by the time I hit 18 it was hard for very different reasons, it became more for political/religious/all-around-different-way-of-thinking reasons, generational gap's just too big. And it's still a major hardship.

As for having such older a-sibs, as a child and baby it was pretty damn awesome. Having high schoolers drag you around with their friends, from 1988-95 I was listening to Guns n Roses and Queen while my classmates were still hooked on Barney (or phonics). But now at 21, it SUCKS. They're married, with children, and they treat me like their oldest daughter. Adoptees are always treated like children, but when there's this big of age gap I think it's doubled.

[TheTeenager]

No a-sibs...

But I've gotten so many tips... I'm almost willing to say that "I'm grateful for them" but nope, grateful is too triggering.

How about a thank you instead?

 

[mlassi]

My aps were "older', my asibs "older". It sucked. Sorry about all the stress she is causing you!

[Beth]

As for having such older a-sibs, as a child and baby it was pretty damn awesome. Having high schoolers drag you around with their friends, from 1988-95 I was listening to Guns n Roses and Queen while my classmates were still hooked on Barney (or phonics). But now at 21, it SUCKS. They're married, with children, and they treat me like their oldest daughter. Adoptees are always treated like children, but when there's this big of age gap I think it's doubled.

Both of my a's came from large families so I had a ton of cousins. My first cousins were all old enough to be my parents. I was expected to call them "aunt" and "uncle."  I rebelled against this as a teen because, after all, they were my damn cousins, but my a's insisted. My second cousins were either older - in their teens when I was a child - or much younger (these were the ones that came along when a first cousin divorced and remarried.) There were only 2-3 of them that were anywhere near my age. So, yeah, anyway, I was the perpetual oddball child in that family.

[TheTeenager]

As for having such older a-sibs, as a child and baby it was pretty damn awesome. Having high schoolers drag you around with their friends, from 1988-95 I was listening to Guns n Roses and Queen while my classmates were still hooked on Barney (or phonics). But now at 21, it SUCKS. They're married, with children, and they treat me like their oldest daughter. Adoptees are always treated like children, but when there's this big of age gap I think it's doubled.

Both of my a's came from large families so I had a ton of cousins. My first cousins were all old enough to be my parents. I was expected to call them "aunt" and "uncle."  I rebelled against this as a teen because, after all, they were my damn cousins, but my a's insisted. My second cousins were either older - in their teens when I was a child - or much younger (these were the ones that came along when a first cousin divorced and remarried.) There were only 2-3 of them that were anywhere near my age. So, yeah, anyway, I was the perpetual oddball child in that family.

On my dad's side I'd be the perpetual oddball.  On my mom's side, heck whether my cousin is old enough to be my mom or not she's still my cousin! 

[rac76]

God, do I get this too....my Aparents were teens in the early 50's.....my teen years were in the 90's.....I'm 34 and my Adad is 76, Amom is 73

We were worlds apart...we still are.

What you can do, is check out some of the music they listened to, if not to just to try to relate a bit.  Some of their stuff can be pretty 'retro-cool' for you. 

[Campbell]

"Campbell, I did the very same thing!"  Cheers Beth, to breaking the cycle : )

"I understand about the driving, it's not that that I'm upset about.  It was my birthday and she didn't even *want* me to enjoy it."  I flew my son to Toronto to see Iron Maiden for a special birthday gift once, and I was a single mom by that point. Where there's a will, there's a way, sometimes.

"You have a B!"  --- "Yes, mom, but did you see the other 6 A's and did you notice that the B was in a college course?" Be careful TAger, this is an unrealistic amount of pressure and that can cause all sorts of problems for you.

"I was not allowed to attend a rock concert until I was 21 (I finally got her to cave).  There were all kinds of strange, overprotective rules that made no sense whatsoever."  Irisheyes, my mom was like this. After I'd grown and had a child of my own a cousin of my mom's let it slip that she was pretty wild (relatively speaking, she's in her 70's now)  when she was a teen. It was like, aha!, I see why she thought I was boy crazy/trampy. Cause she was!!!!


"What you can do, is check out some of the music they listened to, if not to just to try to relate a bit.  Some of their stuff can be pretty 'retro-cool' for you." This is great advice too! Music is an awesome way to connect, and maybe if you put in the effort....don't get your hopes up though lol.  My hubby, (who's MUCH older than me :P) was suggesting things like The Beatles, Smokey Robinson, Roy Orbison, The Beach Boys, Neil Diamond...

It's hard being your age, and it's even harder when you don't have anyone who takes your problems seriously. If you're doing that well in school, it's true, you should be very proud of yourself!

Hope I haven't said too much, I just genuinely care.

[TheTeenager]

"You have a B!"  --- "Yes, mom, but did you see the other 6 A's and did you notice that the B was in a college course?" Be careful TAger, this is an unrealistic amount of pressure and that can cause all sorts of problems for you.
--Yep, I know it's a LOT but I can handle it.  I mean, I have been...

"What you can do, is check out some of the music they listened to, if not to just to try to relate a bit.  Some of their stuff can be pretty 'retro-cool' for you." This is great advice too! Music is an awesome way to connect, and maybe if you put in the effort....don't get your hopes up though lol.  My hubby, (who's MUCH older than me :P) was suggesting things like The Beatles, Smokey Robinson, Roy Orbison, The Beach Boys, Neil Diamond...
--Saw a Paul McCartney concert in '08.  Anyways, my mom doesn't like that I'm 'into music' because I should be focusing on getting that one A.  (Just got yelled at for being too into music and art, wtf?!?)

[Campbell]

Sigh...you've got a rough road ahead of you.

If it's any consolation at all I really didn't get along with my mom as a teen and somehow got through it. I empathize, relate, and cheer you on in cyberspace.

[Stewie]

--Saw a Paul McCartney concert in '08.  Anyways, my mom doesn't like that I'm 'into music' because I should be focusing on getting that one A.  (Just got yelled at for being too into music and art, wtf?!?

ugh, I remember this. In highschool they had us take those career proficiency tests... I scored a 95% performance arts and 5% something like mortician, I can't remember.  My parents were like LOLLERS, WTF, get thee an MBA.
Got a JD instead, still wishing I had followed my heart and tried to write for SNL.  oh well.

God, what I whouldn't DO to take my daughter to U2 for her 14th.. I'm really sorry, I can imagine how much that hurts.  Hugs...