AP's Continue To Lecture Us On Our "Angry Adoptee" Misbehavior!!!

[PhilM]

How adopted am I feeling today...  geez...

Here's part of a relatively nice e-mail from the poster over there:

So sorry you felt hurt that your comment didn't get published quickly enough. I was out running around all day. I did comment back to you and to let all others know that our policy is to moderate so that we don't get spam (and we get A LOT). Once you've been approved to comment once you can freely comment on the site though. So, you should be able to comment regularly now. That is why comments like Amy's went through and your's did not.

Now I just feel badly... 

That doesn't mean anything I've said here (or elsewhere) is completely out of line or something I want to take back...  I'm just feeling stupid I got my nose out of joint over something like this...  I didn't realize other people had already had comments approve already...  And I was feeling singled-out for some reason... 

[Mei Ling]

but all I can hear in this is that my voice only matters if it isn't my voice, but a voice that is someone else's...  

Er, what I meant is that it's possible to give an honest opinion without having to be downright blunt about it. (Although in certain circumstances, I guess any honesty that rears too close to the "anti-adoption" vibe is too honest for a lot of adoptive parents)

For example, if I say I am anti-adoption because it separates families, all people are going to hear is that I hate adoption for xx reason. It doesn't matter that I state the because, they are going to hear what they believe we are "really" saying. Adoption separates families but it creates them, so in the public's view, my point is moot and I haven't even gotten started on all the reasoning that accompanies such a bold statement.



If I say that adoption doesn't work out because of sealed records, families that are forced to relinquish, language and cultural barriers (and that we need reform)... then that approach is more likely to get through to them. One of the things about the English language is that it is extremely flexible. There are up to 4-5 terms to express an idea, but they vary in impact, in effect, in consequence. Saying "I feel sad because I was relinquished" is not going to convey the same thing as "I feel grief that I never knew the people who birthed me." They are both in the same context but one will have a different effect.

What I'm trying to say is: You don't have to be a different person to have a different effect in the same context. It's what you say and how you say it. It's how the English language is flexible.

I am not sure if I am expressing myself correctly here... I'm trying not to come across as the language-police approach but may not have come off as intended... then there are the situations where intent doesn't even matter because neither side is hearing the other...

Sorry guys.

P.S.:

Many of these people actually DO believe that China is a babystore.  I don't think it's necessary to handle them with kidgloves.

I agree.

P.P.S.:

PhilM, I agree with you - it is easy to assume that other people perceive our comments as being "too offensive", even if it wasn't intended that way.

[Romany]

I am so sick of AP's an PAP's telling adoptees how they want them to behave.  What gives?

Adopted children should be eternally grateful, just like their own adoptlings.  Anything less and you're not being respectful.  Now shut up and drink your KoolAid.   

[PhilM]

but all I can hear in this is that my voice only matters if it isn't my voice, but a voice that is someone else's...  

Er, what I meant is that it's possible to give an honest opinion without having to be downright blunt about it.

I understand...  Certainly I understand about the flexibility of language...  My point is that I always have to change for other people...  I have to soften the blow for them...  At the risk of sounding petulant...  When are people going to start softening the blows for us?

[JennaGoose]

I understand...  Certainly I understand about the flexibility of language...  My point is that I always have to change for other people...  I have to soften the blow for them...  At the risk of sounding petulant...  When are people going to start softening the blows for us?

yep, i wonder this too.

[andraya]

but all I can hear in this is that my voice only matters if it isn't my voice, but a voice that is someone else's...  

Er, what I meant is that it's possible to give an honest opinion without having to be downright blunt about it.

I understand...  Certainly I understand about the flexibility of language...  My point is that I always have to change for other people...  I have to soften the blow for them...  At the risk of sounding petulant...  When are people going to start softening the blows for us?

I'm blunt. I'm blunt when I tell my friend her jeans make her ass look like the back of a Mack truck, I'm blunt when I tell my lover he gives shitty head, I'm blunt when I tell the mailman not to put flyers in my mailbox, so why should I stop being blunt for people I will never see or have any real connection to? 

Sorry but why the fuck should I change who I am to please some whiny bitch who doesn't like my take on adoption? Not going to happen no matter how much they bitch and moan. I'm angry, fucking deal with it. I agree with Phil, who is softening the blows for the people who are suppose to matter most in this equation? Adoption is about the kids? BULLSHIT! Adoption is about adults and not the ones the kids grew into either. 

And that is my rant for the day, ty for reading.  :hysteric:

[Philomela]

I agree with every single word of that andraya

[Molly Bloom]

Ah guys....Anger.  Anger is such a powerful emotion.  It often scares people, it awes others.  And our topic seems really strange to be angry about (to outsiders).  Strange because we were not homeless babies living on the street.  I've also lived my life blunt and untactful (after my first domestic abuse marriage I was positively scary).  But at the end of the day venting is wonderful to do, and this forum is fantastic for that, but pervasive anger will not do anything to anyone but you.  

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely validate your anger.  Passion is a powerful thing.  But there is a difference between passion and absolute anger.  Anger will chip away at you and eventually break you down.  I know this, my passion and anger came to a head in my late 40's and I came down with a major stress related illness.

So as I'm saying this, I'm saying it with a big piece of compassion, and a little piece of wisdom.  Turn anger into passion, and you will be OK.  Turn passion into anger and you are only hurting yourself.

Does this make sense?

Gosh, I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to change anyone.  I'm only saying this because anger almost killed me.  Anger is now my arch nemesis, and I run from anger and drama at work all the time.  Yes I have been fucked, and fucked badly, but I'm not going to let those fuckers let me get so angry that I fuck myself!!!

So this is simply my two cents.  Ignore the hell out of me if you like.....!!!

[Mara]

I'm simply not going to edit my speech (writing) in order to please others.  Damnit, I had to conform and try to fit in my whole life and I'm not F*CKING doing it anymore.   :agencyassault:

Also, without anger there is no rebellion.  Without rebellion against tyranny there will be NO VICTORY.  Complying and being "good" never got anyone ANYWHERE when fighting oppression in this world.     Righteous anger is powerful and the action it provokes can change history.   

[andraya]

Molly I agree with you. My concern is that anger can also be healing if you deal with it. Before I got angry I was passive, tell me the sky is pink with green spots and I will nod and say "oh but of course, how silly of me!". I needed to find that anger before I could deal with it and, eventually, start my own healing. Anger doesn't have to eat at you, though I admit it often does, it can help show you the way to inner peace if you acknowledge and accept it for what it is.

My real problem here is the fact that any anger from an adoptee is seen as automatically negative and something to be ended. I'm angry about adoption for a ton of very valid reasons, I was abused, I was left motherless not once but twice, my son was basically stolen from me and I have spent 32 years having to shut up about it. I've had enough. I'm rarely rude or abusive when I post on blogs, yahoo is another story lol, and I have friends who are PAPs and APs. I'm not saying we have to be angry abusive but that we can be angry respectful and we are still shut out and pushed aside with a nice little pat on the head, "there, there you poor angry little adoptling you." Maybe my own anger has changed into passion but that anger is still there and I honestly don't want it to leave. The anger is what drives me in my passion, without it I am nothing but another complacent adopted sheep.

ignoring red

[Mara]

  You crack me up, Andraya! 

[andraya]

Dude I ain't drinking Christ's blood so I sure as hell ain't drinking adoption's kool-aid either!

[JennaGoose]

When I think about this topic I am reminded of a story I had to read in one of my books on social justice. It first defined the concept of a backlog...which, during slavery, was used to keep the fires burning while the slaves were allowed to have a holiday. it was explaining that short bursts of anger are necessary, but burn out like a match, having a slow burn that can be stoked keeps us moving forward. 

"you’ve got to keep that anger inside of you smoldering. You don’t want to let it die out. Any time you want to build on it, to use it, you can make it burn very fast. Where the fire is smoldering, that fire’s always there, always subject to revving up and getting going, but you’re thinking in long terms now, you’re not thinking in short terms…get ready for the long haul and try to determine how you can live out this thing and make your life useful.” The Long Haul

[Mei Ling]

When are people going to start softening the blows for us?

I think - to other people - adoption doesn't mean they have to, because as I quote from R.M.G. at Yahoo!Answers, outsiders will always think "Things could be worse."

It's so hard to fight the stereotypes and perpetuating myths that the label "adoption" brings to mind.

Complying and being "good" never got anyone ANYWHERE when fighting oppression

Complying does work to an extent. Eg. abused kids. If they fight back, it just gets worse. If they comply and obey the "rules" of the game, they survive until they grow old enough to find a crack in the armor. At least, that's what I found when reading Dave Pelzer's book of being abused for 8 years (starting at the age of 4).

However, being over-compliant wouldn't work...

Isn't compliance just another form of "don't bite the hand that feeds you"?

[Molly Bloom]

I agree with all of you.  I too survived an abusive marriage by channeling my inner anger.  It's one of the "stages".  And at a certain point I let the anger go.  I had to, it made me quite ill.

I would never say to comply.  I've been an anarchist from the beginning.  I've just learned how to use the anger so that it doesn't consume me, nor does it hurt others.  Prior to this I was like a battering ram.   

Hey, I went through this and I would never, ever tell anyone not to walk through the fire.  But there is an edge to the precipice, and I wouldn't want anyone to fall.  Level headed activism is a very good goal and we will work towards that in all kinds of degrees of passion, with the underscore of anger.

I witnessed the Berkeley riots.  I saw that anger an I saw this country change.  I know some people that are still living it and it has consumed them.  I know some others that have turned it into other things and they have survived and changed society. 

It's a conundrum.  Channel to passion, but be considerate of those that don't understand what the hell you are dealing with, but mean well.  How can they possibly?